Everybody's arguing about Quake 3 versus Unreal Tournament right now, which I just don't understand. There's so many better things to argue about. Does vitamin D get rid of those weird blotches on your skin? Will baldness medication make you grow a beard? At least I can take my usual position in those. For those that don't read the plaque I carry around, allow me to summarize my usual position: "Whatever doctors say is wrong."

Do doctors even play shooters? I asked me friend Eric.

"Hey fag," he said, punching me in the arm.

"Do doctors play Unreal Tournament or Quake 3?" I asked, pawing my bruise.

"I dunno, which one has more golf in it?"

I had to answer neither one had golf, but maybe Unreal had a golf mutator? Eric thought about this for a long time. "Well, then, it seems like... you're a fag." Then he punched me in the arm again, and I got so mad I had to come here and write this.

Why is this even a debate? And such a loud one? I've seen Bosnian ethic cleansing that's more respectful than most of the forum threads on Quake 3 and Unreal Tournament. Okay, okay - Unreal Tournament is "complex." It's complex because what takes one button in Quake 3 - shooting a gun - takes TWO BUTTONS in UT. This is where we're at? Blocks with letters on them are more complicated than blank blocks, but hey idiot, they're blocks. You should be throwing them at your teacher's car, not arguing about them.

My point is that nobody ever had fun TALKING about a toy.

"Before the internet," says Eric, but fuck him anyway. Are you people really enjoying yourselves?

Quake 3 is "classic." Sure. I'll accept that. Quakeworld was a classic... three years ago. Only three years! This isn't exactly the canon of western literature, people. This is a program on your computer that lets you shoot porn stars with lightning while playing the complicated role of a walking, screaming eye. If you like it, why don't you play it?

I've read forum posts that are, literally, longer than War & Peace. I've read forum posts that start with an abstract. Epic, detailed posts that go on at length about how the snot gun in UT shows a lack of respect and understanding for the rich heritage of the first person shooter. I, too, have an abstract:

You guys are idiots.

In the time it takes you to write your argument bible, you could play fifteen or twenty games of Quake 3 - or Unreal Tournament. I took a break, just now? You didn't even notice. I played so many skirmishes.

Which game am I playing? Maybe you, like most internet doofs, are incapable of getting a point. I am playing Quake 3. I prefer Quake 3. What does that have to do with you? Fucking nothing, unless you're playing with me - at which point it will cause you to be murdered by my incredible beams. If you're playing Unreal Tournament? Good for you. Fucking have a good time. But don't try to tell me I'm not. And Quake 3? Who cares. Two first person shooters in one holiday season. The industry can handle that, I think. Spend more time playing, spend less time shitting in public. That's whole different thing - and it has nothing to do with computer games. Go start publicshitter.gov.

Okay, let's try a thought experiment. First, imagine being able to read. What relief. These symbols can no longer confound and confuse you! Maybe you don't even own a computer. Maybe you live in the icy time-travel cave from Star Trek, where McCoy fell in love with the cave woman. And you love romance novels. It gets on Christmas and, oh no, two romance novels are being released at the same time!

I forgot where I was going with that, but if you've read this far you're a moron anyway. If you're such a big gamer, why don't you just play some games?